Bouncing Back from Failure
How can youth athletes learn from failure without ruining their self-esteem? Some experts weigh in.
I imagine anyone who has played sports at some level remembers the worst game or moment they ever had.
I certainly remember mine. I was a teenager playing in a city league baseball tournament. The game was tied 5-5 going into the final inning. A ball was hit my way. I went to field it, but just as I was picking it up, the ball slipped out of my hand and rolled several feet away.
As a result, three runs eventually scored. We were the home team, but we were held scoreless in our last at-bat and lost the game 8-5.
To add insult to injury, I struck out a grand total of six times in that same game. No, that’s not a typo; SIX. Now, that’s what I call a miserable day at the ballpark.
Failure Is Inevitable
We’ve all heard that phrase, “failure is not an option.” It’s usually stated by a coach, boss or other authority figure as a way of creating absolutely no room for error.
The truth is, we all are going to fail at something. Mental mistakes and setbacks are a part of any sport and in daily life. Even the best player at any level experiences failure. It’s what we learn and how we bounce back that makes the difference of what happens moving forward.
Several years ago, I discussed this topic with David Jacobson of Positive Coaching Alliance, a nonprofit organization devoted to creating better people through sports. He explained that while a six-year-old may process disappointments differently from a 12-year-old, the principles for handling them are about the same. Coaches are the ones who set the culture and tone for the youth sports experience. Parents reinforce it at home.
“By the time a kid gets into playing organized baseball or any other sport, they’ve had some experience with setbacks, either in school or through their parents,” Jacobson said. “But when it comes to that stage of youth sports where you and your abilities are on display, mistakes and setbacks can be traumatizing. Nobody likes to look bad, and it’s really difficult for some people to distinguish between a mistake and something that strikes at their self-worth.”
If untreated, such trauma can have devastating consequences. So how can kids learn to accept failure without causing long-term emotional harm? Here’s what Jacobson and other experts think.
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Outline Expectations
Jacobson says it’s important for parents and coaches to spell out expectations early. Explain that they’re here to learn and grow not just as athletes, but as people. Prepare them to be placed in situations where mistakes are part of the game, especially when just starting out.
If coaches consistently encourage the mindset that mistakes are part of the growth experience, it will be much easier for the child to process.
Encourage Positive Self Talk
Former collegiate and professional athlete Lindsey Wilson says many scientific studies have shown a boost in athletic performance through a positive mindset.
Wilson, an author and co-founder of Positive Performance Training, told me this can depend on the situation. Perhaps you need to motivate yourself or your child to give it your all or positively instruct to improve a skill. Either way, such thoughts should be geared toward what you should do, rather than what to avoid.
Create a ‘Yes I Can’ Mentality
I once read about a martial arts coach who would not allow her students to shake their head no. Becca Borawski Jenkins says such thinking is self-defeating. It’s the same as visualizing failure. Anyone who shakes their head no gets what she calls a ten-burpee penalty, where they must visualize positive thoughts immediately following the workout. Needless to say, there has been a major decrease in the amount of head-shaking in her classes.
Set Up Reminders
No, I’m not talking about those electronic reminders you set on your phone or smart speaker (although you could, of course). One way players can put a setback behind them is to create a physical or mental reminder they can use to move on.
At PCA, Jacobson and his staff teach a method first made popular by Dr. Ken Ravizza, a professor of applied sports psychology at Cal State-Fullerton. Ravizza, a member of PCA’s advisory board, placed a miniature toilet in the dugout for players of the 2004 Fullerton baseball squad to “flush” their mistakes and move on to the next play. The team went on to win the College World Series that season.
If you’re not in a position to literally flush a toilet, Jacobson suggests going through the physical motion of flushing while you’re in the field or on the mound. Parents and coaches are encouraged to do the same. Other gestures, such as brushing your shoulder to “brush off” an error, work as well.
Don’t Shield Kids from Failure
Parents often try to wall their children off from failure, becoming overprotective. (As a parent, I was guilty of this).
Dr. Jim Afremow, mental game coach, licensed counselor and author, says when parents try to discourage children from experiencing failure, they take away opportunities to learn valuable life skills.
“Children who are overprotected are led to believe that success should always be quick and easy, but that only leads to greater frustration when it’s not,” Afremow told the National Alliance for Youth Sports. “Parents who are afraid for their child to fail are going to hold them back and ensure defeat.”
Instead, Afremow advises parents to help their children create experiences in which they can accomplish something they can be proud of. This can be done through activities that are both challenging and doable.
Correct Constructively
Jacobson recommends coaches take the time to know their players, not only as a collective unit but individually. Each person is unique in their emotional makeup, so it’s important to understand when and how to correct a player.
By the same token, parents are inclined to critique their children on their performance. According to Jacobson, this may be appropriate if they know the game and are willing to reinforce a coach’s techniques. Otherwise, it’s best to avoid being overly critical.
“It’s unrealistic that every parent is going to refrain from the temptation to critique a child’s play,” Jacobson said. “But, where the focus should be for parents is on helping kids process the life lesson from sports. Rather than focusing on the error itself, focus on what the parent saw in the kid’s body language, and their ability to quickly rebound from mistakes. That’s something that kid’s going to need to do the rest of his life.”
Erase the Word
Craig Sigl, a mental toughness trainer who has worked with hundreds of young athletes, believes one way to overcome failure is to completely erase the word from our vocabulary.
“Failure is a destructive word others use to describe events when they don’t achieve their goal,” Sigl told NAYS.org. “I teach that there is no such thing as failure. It doesn’t exist except as a useless story in the mind. If you get rid of the idea of failure, you get rid of the fear of it.”
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I’m happy to report that my six-strikeout performance and costly error in that game years ago did not scar me for life. I realized it was just one game, and that it wouldn’t define who I am.
John Wooden, the legendary UCLA basketball coach, sums it up nicely when it comes to dealing with our imperfections.
“If you're not making mistakes, then you're not doing anything. I'm positive that a doer makes mistakes.”
Hot Takes and Great Reads
I want to give a shoutout to Judy, a good friend and subscriber to this newsletter. She emailed me recently to ask how many blind athletes won medals in the recently-completed Tokyo Paralympics.
Being a former blind athlete myself, I thought it was a great question, and did a little digging.
The U.S. Team sent 242 Paralympians to Tokyo, including 37 with visual impairments and six guides. In the sports and categories featuring blind and visually impaired athletes, Team USA won a total of 16 medals: four gold, seven silver and five bronze.
The sports included Para triathlon, swimming, track, goalball and judo. A complete list of results can be found on the United States Association of Blind Athletes website.
Judy started beep kickball, a modified version of kickball played by blind and visually impaired kids and adults. I featured the sport in a recent issue, so feel free to check it out. Thanks, Judy, for your question. We both learned something.
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Speaking of adaptive sports, some kids with disabilities in Arizona got to try water sports thanks to Arizona Adaptive Water Sports Kids Day October 9. The event provides adaptive equipment and makes water sports accessible for disabled children.
As an added treat, the kids were paid a visit by five-time Paralympian Matt Scott, Team USA’s closing ceremony flag bearer at the Tokyo Paralympics. Scott talked to the kids about his journey, showing off his gold medal before joining them in the water.
Read the complete story of this great event here.
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Thanks to efforts by several organizations in Jefferson County, Ohio, families have some relief when it comes to getting sports equipment for their kids.
Over 375 bags of sporting equipment were handed out earlier this month to kids at an elementary school and the Sycamore Youth Center. It was a partnership between the center and Lindy Infante Foundation, OSU LifeSports, the Columbus Recreation and Parks Department, and other groups.
The campaign, known as Sport In A Bag, contained balls, jump ropes and other equipment.
Click here to read the full story.
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