Coaches, Parents... Lend Me Your Ears
Listening to kids is just as important as giving advice. These six tips can help coaches and parents be better listeners.
How well do you listen?
Legend has it Franklin D. Roosevelt decided to put that question to the test. The 32nd President of the United States wanted to see if people were really listening to what he was saying.
One day while greeting guests at a White House reception, Roosevelt smiled and said in a conversational tone to each one, “I murdered my grandmother this morning.”
Just as he figured, each guest responded with phrases like, “marvelous!” “Keep up the good work.” “God bless you, sir.”
Finally, the ambassador from Bolivia heard what the President actually said. Leaning over, the ambassador whispered, “I’m sure she had it coming.”
It’s unclear whether the story is actually true. But it certainly proves a point: we don’t always take the time to really listen.
As coaches or parents, we often overlook the importance of listening. Coaches are naturally inclined to point out a bad play during a game or insist on teaching specific skills a certain way. As parents, we’re telling our children how to act, what to eat, and dispensing our own advice about how they should play a sport. It’s our job as leaders, right?
Of course, if it’s done the right way. Kids look to authority figures like us to guide and prepare them for the day when they will become independent and begin making their own decisions. But how much do we take the time to really listen to them, or allow them to give their input when solving a problem?
It’s just as important to lend an ear as it is to give advice. Here are six ways to be a more effective listener. These tips can apply to anyone, even if you’re not a coach or parent.
Be An Active Listener
Coaching consultant, writer and teacher Elena Aguilar defines active listening as feeding back what the other person is saying. It’s a deceptively easy skill, and requires your full attention.
“Your mind can’t wander, you can’t drift into your own memories, you can’t start generating solutions for the issue at hand, and you can’t start mentally arguing with the speaker,” Aguilar wrote on EducationWeek.org. “You have to fully concentrate to get what it is the speaker is saying.”
Don’t Interrupt
Business coach Caleb Storkey says it’s important to let the other person finish speaking before saying anything. It’s easy to inject comments while someone is talking, but such interruptions are insensitive to the other person. They can also cause you to miss the value of the whole conversation.
Instead of trying to get a word in, allow the child to pause, collect their thoughts, and express all emotions and feelings before responding.
Show You’re Engaged
Gretchen Rubin, author of the New York Times bestselling books “Better Than Before”, “The Happiness Project” and “Happier At Home”, recommends showing the child you’re giving them your full attention. This can be done through asking open-ended questions, making eye contact, sitting in a way that shows you’re paying attention, and paraphrasing what’s being said. This demonstrates you’re not just hearing what the other person says, but really listening. There is a difference.
Minimize Distractions
This is a tough one, especially in today’s world of phones, tablets and video games. But I think we would all agree there’s nothing more frustrating than talking to someone while they’re obviously distracted by something else.
Social psychologist and author Dr. Susan K. Perry says it’s a good idea to turn off the television, radio or anything that can be distracting for both you and the child. This will remove the temptation to respond to that text you just got, or be distracted by something you see on TV. The other person needs your undivided attention.
Leave Your Ego Behind
It’s tempting for some coaches and parents to believe they have all the answers when instructing kids. MaxOne, a youth sports training platform, says coaches who use a “my way or the highway” approach when talking with players end up losing a potential teaching moment. The same is true for parents.
If your objective is to teach, it’s better to approach your instruction in a way you would want to receive it. Allow the player to give his or her feedback on the situation. In this way, you’ll gain a deeper connection than if you went off on them or insisted things must be done your way.
Be Comfortable with Silence
I have a tough time with this one. The natural inclination is to fill gaps in a conversation.
Kevin Curtis, LCSW at the University of Utah School of Health, says this can prevent the conversation from going deeper or becoming more meaningful.
“Silences allow people to think and gain (insight) about whatever is being discussed,” Curtis explained. “It gives us a moment to digest new information and consider how it makes us feel. It also gives a chance for us to consider what to say next and questions to ask. It allows us to feel and be vulnerable.”
Being a good listener isn’t easy, especially when we’re accustomed to solving a child’s problems. It’s a skill that takes constant practice, whether you’re coaching athletes or parenting. But putting these suggestions into practice can help develop good listening habits that will benefit all of us in the long run.
Hot Takes and Great Reads
COVID-19 continues to rear its ugly head as the Tokyo Olympics approach. A rise in cases caused organizers to ban spectators after Japan declared a state of emergency.
It’s a shame fans won’t get to experience an event that only comes every four years. But to me, it’s more important that everyone will be able to compete and come home safely.
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I like to pride myself on being a great speller. But I’m no match for the kids who participate in the Scripps National Spelling Bee.
This year’s winner was Zaila Avant-Garde, a 14-year-old basketball prodigy from Harvey, Louisiana. She became the contest’s first African American winner and only the second Black champion in its 96-year history.
Zaila says spelling is a side hobby, but she practiced seven hours a day for the spelling bee. She hopes to play in the WNBA one day. With that kind of determination, I wouldn’t count her out.
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What is youth sports really supposed to be about? This column by a former college athlete-turned volleyball mom sums it up nicely.
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If you’re a youth coach in the New England area, Dunkin’ is looking for you. The company wants to recognize coaches who keep youth sports running. Winners will receive weekly prizes, including the grand prize of free coffee for a year, a doughnut party at a local sports field, Dunkin’ gift cards, and Boston Red Sox x Dunkin’ branded facemasks for their team.
The nominator will also receive free coffee for a year. You can nominate a coach through August 15 here.
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Coaches, if you’re looking for a lesson in coaching up a player, there aren’t too many better than the pep talk Phoenix Suns coach Monty Williams gave Deandre Ayton during Game 2 of the NBA Finals.
That’s how you do it.
On Deck
Youth sports referees are quitting at an alarming rate due to abusive behavior and little or no pay. How can we stop this trend? Find out in next week’s issue.
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